Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Anticipation Kills

Usually I have something clever or poetic to say to open these things up...some cool little passage or some interesting comparison...that's not how this one is going to work...because I have no jokes to make and nothing clever to say about something like this. Have you ever wanted something so bad that it dominates your thoughts, waking and at night? Have you ever dreamt of something, and then woken up wanting it just as bad as when you went to sleep hoping to escape it, even for a few short moments? Have you ever wanted something so bad that you can taste it on your tongue and feel it on your skin, the memory of the touch enough to send chills across your body? Have you ever felt the urge to be with someone again, so much that everything else seems irrelevant and pointless compared to seeing them again? Yeah, that's about where I'm at right now with this whole "distance" bullshit.

Well guys, its been 3 months. 3 grueling months away from the person who has made me feel happier, stronger, and more ready to handle the future than anyone ever has. Yes I went and surprised her for our anniversary, and got a sweet week nothing but attached to her side, but that drug fix has long since worn off, and I am at my wits end. There is literally 17 days left until I get to see her again and I swear to god I am never letting her go again after this...no one told me that long distance would be THIS painful and heart-wrenching to go through, especially since Mariah and I are so tight knit and close and affectionate when we are near each other.

Since we are nearing the end of our separation, it seems that me missing her, wanting her, and needing her near me again have only gotten WORSE, rather than improved. I thought that the closer I got to having my baby-girl back, the less these urges would become, since I would be closer to getting her back and the time I would have to wait was diminishing. But the closer i get and the less time I have to wait, the more FRUSTRATED I seem to be getting that we aren't ALREADY back together again! I know that must sound incredibly selfish of me, but I cant seem to help missing her worse the closer we get to seeing each other again. You would think that the missing part would be worse in the beginning, when you have a long time before you can see them again, but maybe that's almost better, because you can put it somewhat to the back of your mind, knowing that it really doesn't matter, at least not for a while, and that no matter what you do, you simply have nothing but time to wait. Perhaps its the realization that us coming back together is so close now that it is a very real reality, when before it was only a passing far off hope. Perhaps its because the closer it gets, the more I begin to recall how amazing being with her actually is. and the more I begin to remember that she really is my guardian angel and the love of my life, and that us being apart should be a crime within itself.
When I see her again, it will all be worth it, but I don't know how I'm going to handle this distraction for the next 16 days. How do you guys handle missing someone or waiting for something you want really badly? Actual advice would be helpful...I'm at a loss here.I just miss her a helluva lot and I just want her back already.

By Autumn

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