Insomnia's a Bitch

It's 1 in the morning. My house is completely silent, aside from the sounds of horny insects outside and the family cat going about her rounds in the hallway. The moon itself has decided to sleep, and not grace me with its presence. Do I have work tomorrow? Yes I do. Am I tired from the days events? Absolutely. And yet, sleep sometimes simply will not come. Everyone has had one of those nights. Those nights when you toss and turn, staring at the ceiling as your mind races and you find yourself thinking way too much about things that grab your imagination by the throat and lead it along a stroll through your memories and wreak havoc on your dignity. You all know exactly what kind of thoughts I mean.

Sometimes in the middle of the night, demons come out to play. The dark side of your mind comes creeping out of the back of you mind and starts to play an eerie tune on your thoughts. You start exploring those thoughts that you would rather stay locked away in your mind forever, where they can do the least amount of harm, and sometimes you fall into a place of pain, sorrow, and darkness, that stays with you for days or until the sun sees it fit to fight another battle and rise.

Sometimes you fall asleep, and a horrible dream drags itself from the depths of hell and terrorizes you, and you jolt awake, trembling and sweating and gasping for any air that does not come from the sick, twisted world you left behind in your mind. After that, you might as well go walk around, watch TV, eat something, or do everything you can to calm yourself down before sleep is even a fathomable possibility again...you don't want to fall asleep just to re-enter the same dream or manufacture another night terror equal in pain and fear...if this happens you're sure for a rough rest of the night.

I have always been the kind of person that has needed time by myself in order to gather my thoughts. This wasn't always the best choice, but it was something I needed. My solitude was all I thought I had in order to calm my night demons, whether it be dream or thought. Of course no one knew about my bad dreams but my mother, and she didn't even know when I was having them, just that it was a possibility. I have never liked telling people in my life about my personal problems, weaknesses, or issues...it's just not my way to go about things. At least that's how it is with everyone but her.



She came strolling into my life, and suddenly I wanted her, needed her, and desired her mere presence in a way that I have never experienced before.I have always needed time on my own; I never thought I'd need her there when I cried. Now, I have just gotten back to Kansas after driving to Georgia to surprise her for our anniversary, and it's back to the way it was before. Call me childish, but I just want her here. As she has said before, there's something about a warm body next to you, sharing the covers and keeping you warm, that is incomparable. Now, when I can't sleep, I don't try to imagine the waves of the beach or the soft tune of some distant song; I imagine her sleeping next to me, her chest rising and falling as she sleeps peacefully. Her warm little body snuggled into me because she missed me all day and her skin soft and warm from the covers keeping us toasty on a cold night. Her curves that reflect in the dim moonlight, making me catch my breathe even so late at night and in such a simple state. Is it weird of me to want and need her so completely? Especially with the distance we both have to deal with, it's nearly painful to not have her with me, singing to me and stroking me and telling me its all okay and that I need sleep and that she'll be there in the morning. Even as I write this, the thought of her next to me makes my eyelids droop and my heart rate slow...she's my own individual lullaby. It's not like me to want or need someone this way, but I have to admit...I'm damn sure not complaining.

By Autumn