Saturday, June 7, 2014

Hush Little Angel

Pain is a terrible thing. It hurts to hurt, whether that pain is a blade slicing across the skin or the feeling of a cold bed side when a warm body usually is sleeping soundly beside you. Pain can be something that you feel all by yourself, in a dark room, or it can carry hundreds of miles, and pierce a lovers heart like a fresh wound. Here's another question: if someone else feels pain, can you be hurt?
I don't know what others say, but my answer is definitely yes. I'm not there currently; for the summer, my journey has taken me back to my family, almost an entire country away. The only thing allowing us contact is the thread of technology like Skype, texting and Glide. I can't be as close to her as I like, as I can't help but feel that I should be. I act like I'm getting along fine, but in reality, it hurts me, and I am more frustrated than I ever have admitted to her. She thinks I'm strong, and it's true that I very well can be strong when the occasion calls for it, but in reality, when I can't help her when she's feeling pain or upset, it tears me to pieces that I can't just transport there and help immediately. When her pretty face contorts into a frown and tears fall form her face, each tear falling is like a knife in my skin, and hurts more than any wound anyone could ever physically inflict on me.

I wish when she was sad she would just think: think about all the wonderful things. I wish that she would think about how we fall asleep and her head is resting on my chest, legs entwined and chests rising and falling together, breathing as one. I wish she would think about the way I pick her up and spin her around and wrap her in a hug. I wish she would think about the late night marathons with cookie dough and potatoes (I really like baked potatoes), and the gut splitting laughs we always would share. I wish she would think about the music playing, the stars shining, and my flannel shirt that cuts off just at the top of her thighs. I wish she would think about the way my breath catches when she walks by, and the way my heart speeds up when she looks my way. If she could just see herself through my eyes, she would see how truly perfect she really is to me.
It's true that I'm strong, and that I can be a brave one when the occasion calls, but what she doesn't know is that she saved me first. It was her that came and brought me back from the edge when I was about to give up. Back during the school year, before we were even dating, I had prepared to give up on school, on life, on everything. She doesn't even know this, but I had planned to end my life quite soon...regardless of my friends that I would leave behind. It was a losing battle in my eyes. I was alone one day in the room, just hanging out, listening to music, when Mariah came bursting in the door, finished with class, and without another word she began pelting me with stuffed animals. Not only did this confuse me, but it absolutely delighted me. No one had been paying that much attention to me lately (other friends had other, more pressing drama to attend to), and this was a pleasant, albeit fluffy surprise. That night, her and her then boyfriend had another talk about ending their relationship,and she came into my room crying. She snuggled into my arms and just cried, and I held her, and it was then that I had the revelation that I couldn't leave, and that I was needed here, and that I couldn't leave her. After that night, she kept me going, and I worked to get my grades up and I continued fighting. Her love came, and with that so did my happiness, the spark in my eyes, and the light back in my life. She gave me back the passion in my life I had long ago lost sight of. She is, in short, my Guardian Angel.
She cries even now, about things, while I sit on the other end of the call, frustrated and wanting to be there for her, but I will be there soon enough. For now, all I can say is hush little angel, don't you cry, soon I'll be there to sing you my own lullaby. When you feel the pain and feel the tears, just close your eyes, and I will be here. Be strong my love, and I'll mend your wings, it was your strength that taught my heart again to sing.

By Autumn

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