Saturday, June 7, 2014

The Dark Side of the Moon

You learn a lot of things when you come out to people that you are bisexual, gay, or literally anything other than straight. I have a really strong imagination, so as I'm sure you fellow creative people out there can imagine, I had created dozens of horrible scenarios in my head and awful consequences that would come from me telling people about this. As a person who regularly Internets for hours on end, I have seen enough digital and real-life drama about homosexuality to make anyone turn tail from the idea and practically sashay right back into the closet they were finally venturing out of.
But you know, I can definitely tell you that it went every way but the way I expected, which is both good and bad in multiple ways. I can safely say that everyone that I knew and loved did NOT turn their back on me. In fact most of them looked at me weird for THINKING that it would offend or weird them out.
I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that my sorority sisters and my friends still loved me, but that sigh of relief quickly became a strangled sob. It's amazing how the simplest things can reveal someone's true colors.
My best friend Kati has been by my side since freshman year, and we had become nearly inseparable as time had gone by. We were rooming together this year, and everything was going great in my world. I was so close to her family I called her mom "mom", I called her big brother Robi "big brother" (I still do that...I'm not giving up the bond I've formed with that boy for the world).

When Mariah came strutting into my life, flipping it upside down into a pit of everlasting devotion, I had to stop and reconsider what this would do to my friendship with Kati, which took all of 2 seconds. I knew her (strong) religious beliefs, but believed that, in the end, I was enough of her best friend to where it honestly wouldn't matter to her at all.
I was nervous the day after Mariah and I...collided...but knew that Kati would want to know what happened, and although she obviously wouldn't be thrilled by it at first, things would go back to normal soon enough; I mean, we were still best friends. And I was still ME...right? What I was not prepared for was for her to completely temporarily turn her back on me AND Mariah. She didn't speak to us for about a week, and that week tore me in two. Seeing her glare at me coldly like we were never friends hurt me in a way that I had never been hurt before. This wasn't a breakup, it felt more like a divorce.
This coldness and anger towards the two of us continued, and she said that she wanted to move out. I didn't know what to do. While everyone else shrugged it off like no big deal, Kati was ripping up my entire world by the seams. I couldn't understand how she could just flip a switch like that on, her best friend and ally who had stuck with her through everything.
Time has passed, and she has at least gone back to speaking to me and being my best friend (in a manner of speaking), but what she is ignoring is that now because of her things are fundamentally different. I can't tell her things like I used to, and I constantly go to others for advice, worried she will hurt me again.
Not to mention the fact that because she is extremely picky and uptight about relationships and no sex before marriage, she has a huge problem with any sort of PDA. Mariah and I can't even lay together making physical contact without her pouting and claiming that it makes her uncomfortable.
I don't blame her for wanting PDA to be kept private, but what she bitches about can't even be classified as PDA. On top of that, she is the only person that has any sort of issue with us, and I can't be her best buddy with the fact that she isn't happy for me and Mariah lurking over us.
She also decided earlier on that she needed to choose between us, and she chose me. While I am glad that at least she has some shred of loyalty, this also rubbed me the wrong way. I am fiercely defensive and protective of Mariah, and so when someone does anything against her, I basically become an attack dog, foaming and bristling. Not to mention that when my relationships are concerned, she is never very supportive or happy, instead always pointing out the flaws and the problems that will lead to its end, something that really always bugged me but downright pisses me off now. She always makes me try and see the bad in it, and choose her, when the reality is that she forfeited me ever choosing her the second she turned her back.
But the crowning glory of idiocy is that she actually thought that living with us next year would be a good plan! (I know most have of you just almost flipped your laptops, but wait, it gets better) She was convinced that she could live in an apartment with us and everything would be hunky-dory! To start with, Mariah and I are affectionate people, not in the obnoxious way, but in the hold hands and rest your head on my shoulder kind of way. This is not going to get any better when we are living together for christs sake!
After all this, I can still be her friend, but it was foolish to think that we could come through this unscathed. She thinks I've suddenly changed...while I finally figured out just exactly who she really is.

By Autumn

1 comment:

  1. Amazing outfit!!!