Sunday, June 22, 2014

Insomnia's a Bitch

It's 1 in the morning. My house is completely silent, aside from the sounds of horny insects outside and the family cat going about her rounds in the hallway. The moon itself has decided to sleep, and not grace me with its presence. Do I have work tomorrow? Yes I do. Am I tired from the days events? Absolutely. And yet, sleep sometimes simply will not come. Everyone has had one of those nights. Those nights when you toss and turn, staring at the ceiling as your mind races and you find yourself thinking way too much about things that grab your imagination by the throat and lead it along a stroll through your memories and wreak havoc on your dignity. You all know exactly what kind of thoughts I mean.

Sometimes in the middle of the night, demons come out to play. The dark side of your mind comes creeping out of the back of you mind and starts to play an eerie tune on your thoughts. You start exploring those thoughts that you would rather stay locked away in your mind forever, where they can do the least amount of harm, and sometimes you fall into a place of pain, sorrow, and darkness, that stays with you for days or until the sun sees it fit to fight another battle and rise.

Sometimes you fall asleep, and a horrible dream drags itself from the depths of hell and terrorizes you, and you jolt awake, trembling and sweating and gasping for any air that does not come from the sick, twisted world you left behind in your mind. After that, you might as well go walk around, watch TV, eat something, or do everything you can to calm yourself down before sleep is even a fathomable possibility again...you don't want to fall asleep just to re-enter the same dream or manufacture another night terror equal in pain and fear...if this happens you're sure for a rough rest of the night.

I have always been the kind of person that has needed time by myself in order to gather my thoughts. This wasn't always the best choice, but it was something I needed. My solitude was all I thought I had in order to calm my night demons, whether it be dream or thought. Of course no one knew about my bad dreams but my mother, and she didn't even know when I was having them, just that it was a possibility. I have never liked telling people in my life about my personal problems, weaknesses, or issues...it's just not my way to go about things. At least that's how it is with everyone but her.

Saturday, June 7, 2014

The Dark Side of the Moon

You learn a lot of things when you come out to people that you are bisexual, gay, or literally anything other than straight. I have a really strong imagination, so as I'm sure you fellow creative people out there can imagine, I had created dozens of horrible scenarios in my head and awful consequences that would come from me telling people about this. As a person who regularly Internets for hours on end, I have seen enough digital and real-life drama about homosexuality to make anyone turn tail from the idea and practically sashay right back into the closet they were finally venturing out of.
But you know, I can definitely tell you that it went every way but the way I expected, which is both good and bad in multiple ways. I can safely say that everyone that I knew and loved did NOT turn their back on me. In fact most of them looked at me weird for THINKING that it would offend or weird them out.
I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that my sorority sisters and my friends still loved me, but that sigh of relief quickly became a strangled sob. It's amazing how the simplest things can reveal someone's true colors.
My best friend Kati has been by my side since freshman year, and we had become nearly inseparable as time had gone by. We were rooming together this year, and everything was going great in my world. I was so close to her family I called her mom "mom", I called her big brother Robi "big brother" (I still do that...I'm not giving up the bond I've formed with that boy for the world).

Hush Little Angel

Pain is a terrible thing. It hurts to hurt, whether that pain is a blade slicing across the skin or the feeling of a cold bed side when a warm body usually is sleeping soundly beside you. Pain can be something that you feel all by yourself, in a dark room, or it can carry hundreds of miles, and pierce a lovers heart like a fresh wound. Here's another question: if someone else feels pain, can you be hurt?
I don't know what others say, but my answer is definitely yes. I'm not there currently; for the summer, my journey has taken me back to my family, almost an entire country away. The only thing allowing us contact is the thread of technology like Skype, texting and Glide. I can't be as close to her as I like, as I can't help but feel that I should be. I act like I'm getting along fine, but in reality, it hurts me, and I am more frustrated than I ever have admitted to her. She thinks I'm strong, and it's true that I very well can be strong when the occasion calls for it, but in reality, when I can't help her when she's feeling pain or upset, it tears me to pieces that I can't just transport there and help immediately. When her pretty face contorts into a frown and tears fall form her face, each tear falling is like a knife in my skin, and hurts more than any wound anyone could ever physically inflict on me.

Time Apart

Right now, both of us are dealing with the separation of summer. Neither of us are taking it well. Considering we were steps away from each other during the school year, being several hundred miles apart really sucks. We both know we'll be together again in August, and we're both keeping relatively busy, but that doesn't make it any less difficult.

Can I just say we made a poor choice in timing for creating this blog? Everything was right about to get extremely crazy in my life which automatically makes Autumn's life crazy because I'm always freaking out. That's the amazing thing about her. She manages to bring down my panic. I can be such a perfectionist and worry wart and get myself into such a tizzy that I just end up collapsing into her arms for an hour straight just crying. I can't say anything. I just cry. And it sucks. And I know I should be better about this. The sad truth is I'm not. And I hate it. But it's always nice to have someone amazing like Autumn who will just be there and not ask questions. She just holds me. And everything's okay.